there’s still something in me that believes that i can “overcome” sin and “do it right.” I catch a glimpse of myself doing the right thing and think, “I can keep doing this…” Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s possible to change, but I’m believing more and more that it’s only through faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I think we have tend to land on a moralistic “don’t do this” place and feel good for the season that we can keep it up.
i caught a profound glimpse of truth the other day when i had not eaten the entire day. i thought to myself when i started to eat dinner that i need self control to not gorge even though my body had been starved all day. what happened? i totally gorged. i ate and ate and ate and ate… i ate like there was going to be no food tomorrow. this taught me that the idea of will powered change can only last for a short time.
to believe in the gospel of Jesus is to acknowledge and receive a change of heart. i have to understand the deeper issues that drive me to my outer behavior. our behavior is but a reflection of the inner dysfunction of our soul. to change it leaves the heart in it’s dysfunction. to go to the heart is to address the core issues.
so, my big question that i’ve been wrestling with for some time now that always gets rekindled when i come to a gathering of pastors and leaders is: “what does speed have to do with the power of the Holy Spirit?”
i ask this question because it seems that we’re mezmerized by the “fastest growing this…” and the “speed at which things get accomplished…” oddly, it creates this anxiety in me that i’m moving too slowly and that i’m always fighting failure since i’m slowing down. the affirmation of speed as it correlates to the power and presence of God also makes me feel like I don’t have that much power and presence of God in my life. i’m sure i’m writing and thinking out of insecurity, but it’s hard when it’s in your face all the time and all around you.
what does the affirmation of speed create in me? i think that i become more shallow. i move from person to person because i don’t have time. i’m very selective with my meetings in order to accomplish my agenda which needs to be accomplished quickly. i work so hard that i can never “enjoy” the moment or the blessing right before me. what’s worse is that i’m pretty sure i make others around me more anxious about moving too slowly and make them feel like lazy sluggards for not helping our community grow. sorry…:)
i always think about the high probability that Jesus would be fired from most churches today because he wouldn’t be effective enough. I think that he would be judged for only amassing 12 followers over the course of 3 years and the fact that 1 of them betrayed him only adds icing to the cake of the argument. he deeply invested in his disciples and gave himself away. he took the time to be with them and walked with them through ministry.
i fight for peace in my life all the time. when someone asks how my church is going (codespeak for how’s attendance?) i always cringe a bit. but, i believe that people in my church are growing. i believe that we’re learning through the scriptures and through our experiences in our community. i believe that strongholds are being broken and people are feeling more and more liberated. i believe that we’re seeking after Christ and valuing our “relationship” with our Savior verus just trying to “fix” our junk. so… i think we’re growing… really growing…